10 Living People We Could Have Sworn Were Dead


1Imelda Marcos She inspired this list by showing up, out of the blue, on our Google News page.  This shoe fetishist and widow of former Philippine leader Ferdinand Marcos is currently an elected and serving member of the Philippine House of Representatives. Despite her husband murdering political foes willy-nilly, and raiding the Philippine treasury of billions before fleeing the country in 1986,  the..uh.. Philip-pin-ese saw fit to vote her into office in 2010. This is even more shocking to us since she’s clearly been dead for at least 15 years.

2. Frank Cady Sam Drucker on “Green Acres”, the oldest guy on the show except for maybe Mr. Ziffle, IS STILL ALIVE. Does that not amaze you? (Have you kids even heard of “Green Acres”?) Well, whatever, he’s about 140 years old. (All figures approximate.)
3. Jake Lamotta– Boxer. Turned professional in 1941, won the middleweight belt in 1949. He died a couple of years after making the promotional rounds for Scorcese’s biopic of him, “Raging Bull”.  He was in his sixties, overweight, punch drunk and had a heart attack. Something like that, right? No, nothing like that, he’s still alive. It’s just like in the movie, he won’t go down.
4. Ernest BorgnineSay this three times slowly: BORG-NINE…BOORG-NINE…BOOORG-NINE. Isn’t that a funny sounding name?BORRRG-NINE. Yeah, well, we think it is. Following “Marty”(1955) and the 60’s TV show “McHale’s Navy”, Borgnine used to fill a seat on the original ’70s Hollywood Squares show, the one that featured a much younger Paul Lynde, who’s been dead for ages. He was pretty old even then, so we think Wikipedia is just screwing with us on that one. He’s gotta be dead. “YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE,  BOOORG-NINE!” “Attention Starfleet, we have a disturbance in Sector Borg-Niner! That’s Borg-NINER!”   Ha! That tickles us.
5. Eli WallachA veteran of about a million different movies including “The Magnificent Seven” and “The Good, the Bad and the Ugly”.  A couple of months ago, without warning,  he just popped up onscreen while we were watching Roman Polanski’s latest, “The Ghost Writer”. We nearly choked on our Cheese Doodles®.  Wallach still looks like he’s about 70, maybe 75, but he can’t be a day under 150 years old..err..no…correction…150 years YOUNG.  He sports a goatee now, with hipster glasses and looks pretty darn good. We bet he wears Uggs. Chicks would still do him, we’d say. He might have to leave his shirt on, but still….
6.  Herman WoukThis guy wrote the book that “The Caine Mutiny” (1954), one of our favorite movies, was based on.  Everyone else involved with that film are crumbling skeletons by now, but the creator is still alive AND publishing, no joke. According to Wikipedia, he released a book in 2010 called “The Language God Talks”. We assume he knows the language of God because he’s as old as him. (HI-YOOO!) Whoa… tough crowd! How ’bout this one: He’s SO old… he’s so old, his birth certificate expired! (Badum-bum-CHING!) Hello? Is this thing on? We got a million of these, but let’s move on to number 7.
7.  Margaret ThatcherThis one’s a little fuzzy, but about two years ago there was a big political funeral, MSNBC covered it, and it seemed to us that Margaret Thatcher was in the casket.  That’s what we thought anyway, and we didn’t question ourselves because the British press sure talk about her as if she were dead. They’re quite disrespectful, those British,  but she’s alive and kicking.  It must have been Nancy Reagan’s funeral and we were just mixed up, so don’t make the same mistake. Remember, Margaret Thatcher is still alive, NANCY REAGAN is dead.
8.  Jack KlugmanThroat cancer, obviously dead, right? Nope, he beat it, and we’re not going to be making any throat cancer jokes, so relax. We DO think the name Klugman is funny, but we both know how peevish you were with the whole Borgnine thing, so that’s out. Hmm, you seem like the kind of goober that likes fat-jokes, so let’s ease on down to number 9, shall we?
9.  Fats DominoActually, we were surprised when it was reported during Hurricane Katrina that Fats Domino was trapped in the floodwaters of New Orleans. “His CORPSE is trapped?”  we thought. “His GRAVE floated away or something?” We thought he died years ago, around the time of the Big Bopper and Buddy Holly. Even assuming he WAS able to survive those rivet popping ’50s airplanes, then surely he must have died in the early sixties because ..wait for it… wait for it… because he’s so FATS! (HI-YOOO!)

10. Abe Vigoda– Okay,  we suppose everyone knows he’s still alive, AND WILL NEVER DIE BECAUSE HE’S A CYBORG, but you can’t make a list like this without including him. His death has been rumored for so long now that the people who started those rumors are dead. In any case, we think Vigoda looks amazingly sprite for a guy 180 years old. (approx.)

Honorable Mention: Don Pardo, Blake Edwards, Olivia De Havilland, Harry Morgan, Richard Dawson, Maureen O’ Hara, Jack LaLanne and Amy Winehouse.

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