10 Movies We Will Never Watch. Ever.



     1. Caddyshack 2 – Let’s see. Not to be sacrilegious, but the first “Caddyshack” was just an okay comedy to me, decent but not one of my favorites. I watched it once, drunk at a drive-in where it was paired with “Meatballs”, and that was enough. But in this sequel, there’s no Bill Murray or Rodney Dangerfield, they got Jackie Mason instead. While a Jackie Mason flick IS tempting, I hate sequels and someone told that me that in “Caddyshack 2”, the gopher actually talks. There’s no way I am ever watching that. Ever. I have actually put this on one of my worst movie lists (10 worst sequels) without seeing it, and I don’t feel guilty about it. I don’t think it’s necessary to watch it. You can just tell by looking at the box that it’s a train wreck and EVERYTHING about it is wrong. In this case, you CAN judge a book by its cover.

2. Lawrence of Arabia- Okay,  I consider myself a fairly well-rounded movie watcher, and I keep MEANING to see this one. I do. It’s been in my Netflix DVD queue since I opened the account sometime in the late seventies, but everytime it moves to within shouting distance of actually being sent to me, I move it back down to #50. I push it back down with another classic, “How Green Was My Valley”. I figure I’ll get to them later, I’m just too busy right now with my napping regimen. Truth is, I’m probably never going to watch this epic ’60s classic. I’ll never bathe in the lush wide screen vistas, the beautiful swirling turbans and all that flowing, undulating sand. A tiny dot of a man on a camel gallops toward the camera, the dot turns to a distant blur, and finally, 45 minutes later, he takes up the full screen and the epic adventure begins. Ladies and gentleman…from Long & British Productions©…IN SUPER-PANO-VASTO-VISION®….DAVID LEAN’S LAWRENCE OF ARABIA! This movie’s reputation is so huge, and pumped up, it makes me feel tiny. I think I’m scared of it, like it’ll crush me. Or throw sand in my face.

3. How Green Was My Valley- See above. It’s probably a fine movie, it won Best Picture in 1942, but I just hate the title. It’s not about mowing the grass, is it? I skipped “The Best Years of Our Lives” for..um.. the best years of MY life because of the title, but when I finally did see it, I loved it. With this one though, I’m afraid it’s stuck on the same level of purgatory as “Lawrence of Arabia”. There’s nothing that can be done, I’ll never watch it. I am curious though, if you have seen it, just how green WAS his valley? Was it like an emerald green or a more chartreusie… HEY…wait a minute…isn’t this movie in black and white? Well, uh, that doesn’t make any sense. How could you even TELL how green his valley was? Hmm. I think we better just move on to number 4, there’s something fishy about this one.
4. Mrs. Doubtfire – Men dressed in drag isn’t funny. It just isn’t. Movie critics seem to think it is, and Hollywood types, and maybe even you, pervert, but I don’t. I watched “Some Like it Hot” and “Tootsie” and that should be enough shemale shenanigans for one lifetime. I’ll accept those two movies as classics if I must, but I did notice that they used a lot of the same jokes.  If I were to watch “Mrs. Doubtfire”, not only would I be subjected to two hours of Robin Williams teetering on high heels, mugging shamelessly and groping his fake boobs, but I would have to sit through that inevitable, life draining scene that is in all the Robin Williams comedies. You know, that scene where he lowers his comic voice, his eyes get misty, and he goes all sad and sentimental. That is always very uncomfortable for me, watching Mork cry, and there’s no way I am sitting through it again! I still suffer flashbacks from “Patch Adams”.
5. Boondock Saints – I like Tarantino, and I’m a fan of the stellar ’90s independent movie scene, so people are constantly recommending this film to me. It’s an instant stream on Netflix, so there’s nothing really stopping me, except that I seen the documentary “Overnight”, which chronicled the rise and fall of “Boondocks” writer/director Troy Duffy. Well, let me tell you something, the guy is such a royal asshole that I can’t bring myself to watch his movie. I just can’t stand him. I want him to fail miserably in life, drunk and homeless, so I don’t WANT to like his movie. I’m skipping it just in case it’s any good. I want to hold on to the idea of Duffy as a talentless jack-off loser. I’m not proud of this, judging a man without seeing his work, but I’m pretty sure I’m right.
6. Around the World in 80 Days – This is also instant stream on Netflix, and a Best Picture winner, but the runtime is so long, it would actually take me 80 days to finish it between naps. I don’t have that kind of time. Phineas Fogg –  balloons –  world traveler. I think I get the jist of this. I’ll skip the top-hats and the TechniColor® petticoats and make up my own story in my head.
7. Birth of a Nation- I know that any serious film student just HAS to see this, but at this point, no matter its historical significance, isn’t watching this sort of like reading “Mein Kampf”? I can claim such moral outrage at the film’s racist content that I’m heroically boycotting it in protest, like a modern day Rosa Parks, but in truth I really can’t sit through silent movies unless they’re comedies. I like Harold Lloyd and Buster Keaton mainly. The acting in silent dramas is just so ludicrous – arms flailing wildly, gigantic googly eyeballs – that I have a hard time getting through them. I liked “Metropolis” and “Nosferatu”, but those were exceptions. Hey, when the good guys in a movie are the freakin’ Ku Klux Klan, that’s a pretty good excuse to skip it.
8.  Swing Time – I liked “Singing in the Rain”, those numbers are clever and toe-tappers , but classic Hollywood musicals are largely a blind spot for me. I’m sure the dancing in “Swing Time” is well choreographed, and Fred Astaire’s unparalleled grace is a timeless sugarplum delight and all that, but I just don’t like this kind of stuff.  I’m a guy, okay? I avoid ANYTHING too elegant. You can lump this in with every other Fred Astaire dance-a-thon as movies I’m never going to watch.
9. Reefer Madness- I’ve never quite embraced the whole “it’s-so-bad-it’s-good” movie thing. Camp always seems to attract a contigent of males fans that like to dress up as women and that just isn’t funny. Besides,  I’m not in the habit of  talking back the screen, demonstrating my finely tuned ironic detachment, I just eat my popcorn like a normal person. I would much prefer to watch a good movie. The bad movies I do see are usually accidental and, I’ve noticed lately, Heigl related. Now I don’t mind watching a bad movie that has a lot of gratuitous nudity, but that’s different, isn’t it? That’s..well.. porn. There’s no nudity in this, is there?  Probably not, it’s from 1938. Damn Hays code. I didn’t watch this in my younger days when I might’ve appreciated it more, and I’d say I’m too old for it now. Unless there’s nudity. Then I’m all in.
10. The Next  Wes Anderson Movie- I don’t know the title yet, and I don’t know if he’s started filming it, or even written a script, but let me tell you what it’s about. It’s a downbeat story that sports an all-star cast of sad, weirdly dressed quirk-o-zoids who are crippled emotionally in one way or another. It’ll have an off-kilter color scheme, a lot of monotone dialogue and it will be billed as a comedy although you won’t physically laugh at anything that happens on screen. The laughs will be more hypothetical; laughter theory. SimLaughs, if you will. Zither music and bongos will dominate the soundtrack. The movie will have an army of eager young admirers, mostly pear-shaped cinema monkeys that”ll report any negative reviews posted on Netflix as abusive. Netflix will remove them promptly. (Trust me, I know.) I’m not sure why, but I have seen every Wes Anderson movie there is. It’s probably because he works at such a snail’s pace, spending so many years between each overblown crayon drawing that I tend to forget how much they suck the life out of me. I intensely dislike his films, it hurts my eyeballs to watch them and causes numbness in my extremities, so I’m going to stop. I mean it this time. Making the same mistake over and over again and expecting a different result is the definition of insanity. I don’t want to watch his rainbow depressives any more. As God is my witness, I will NEVER watch a Wes Anderson movie again. Unless, of course, there’s nudity.

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